Chapter 1. Andy – Running into Yannoni in public
As I shopped at a local Lowe’s Home Improvement store in Albuquerque, NM, during the summer of 2021, the COVID Pandemic was in its second year. Everyone was still required to wear masks inside buildings. I enjoy going there, and I was eager to get back to shopping after a long period of staying home to do my part to keep the spread of COVID down. I stood at the paint station waiting to place my order when I saw Dominic Yannoni. He was wearing a medical mask and a plastic face shield. We locked eyes for a few seconds then he turned and quickly walked away. Even though he was wearing two masks, I recognized his eyes, his overweight build, and his short haircut.
I felt a surge of adrenaline. I couldn’t stand still in the line, so before placing my order, I left the paint station. I quickly walked out and waited at the exit. I couldn’t believe that after all these years, Yannoni was finally close enough to me where I could get to him and confront him. I was pacing and clenching my fists as I waited for him to walk out of the store; as soon as I saw him I screamed in his face, “HEY! Who do you think you are?! You ruined so many of our lives. You need to pay for what you did!” I shoved Yannoni to the ground and kicked him in the ribs and head. I wanted him to feel every bit of sadness, grief, and hate that I have carried with me for most of my life. I wanted to see him cry and beg for forgiveness as I forced him to realize what his actions had done to me.
Fortunately, that confrontation never happened. I realized it would not go well for me if I attacked Yannoni. He looked old, sick, and frail, and I would look like a crazy person attacking him. I might have been shot and killed by a bystander or the police if they came onto the scene and saw me beating him. At the very least, I would have been arrested and gone to jail. That would have destroyed my life. It’s terrifying to be pushed to a dark place that could ruin my life in an instant if I had followed through with my usually extreme, strong instincts.
I got in my car and drove home, the adrenaline still coursing through my body after seeing Yannoni. I booked an emergency therapy session with my therapist who assisted me with Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) psychotherapy treatment, earlier established, surrounding my experiences with Yannoni. I told her how I had felt the urge to attack, my childhood predator, after seeing him in person at the hardware store. She set up and performed the EMDR session, informing me that I was not over the pain of the abuse and I needed to continue with my therapy.
I have seen this particular therapist monthly for the past four years and I invested a lot of time, energy, and money in said therapy to heal from the abuse that occurred when I was an adolescent. I thought I was making progress but running into Yannoni that day, opened up many repressed memories that unleashed an enormous amount of emotional distress, anxiety, fear, and anger. I realized that I had been trying to move on from this traumatic period of my young life, only to discover that I was still hurting and experiencing great difficulty healing.
After all these years of therapy, I feel better but not healed. Most of the time, I feel sad and lethargic. It is difficult to get excited about most of my favorite things such as creating music, going to concerts, snowboarding, mountain biking, and maintaining my yard. I don’t always enjoy family and friend’s gatherings because I am exhausted from forcing a smile and trying to laugh when I feel sad inside. I haven’t slept well in 20 years.
Recently, I watched the 2022 documentary entitled Leave No Trace. The documentary is about the Boys Scouts of America and the 82,000 men and boys who were sexually abused under their watch and care. I had never spent much time listening to other male survivors of sexual abuse before. I learned from the documentary that receiving closure is the only way to truly heal.
There was a line that captured my attention, “How do we move from victim to survivor?” I remember my therapist telling me to take pride in the fact that I survived my past. She said she has seen many men who experienced similar abuse as I have, and they were mostly addicted to drugs or in jail. She said to me to take pride in the fact that I had gotten to the point I was at now.
I chose to tell my story and I invited my mother Julie and my Uncle Clyde to join me. The reason I want their story to be told alongside mine is because they have also been traumatized by the abuse I deal with. They helped me through the trials and extreme situations that occurred after the abuse I suffered. Just as I needed them to get me through my difficult times, I also needed their assistance in telling my story. I can’t do it by myself. They witnessed how the trauma affected my life as an adult. Ultimately, it is important to me that my mother tell her story of what my childhood was like and how our family life changed dramatically after she divorced my father. My mother carries much regret and sorrow for what happened to me, but it was not her fault. I love my mom dearly and she is my closest confidante, and I need her to feel at peace.
As someone who enjoys creating art, I found comfort in writing my story. I believe it is possible to find peace after experiencing abuse, but there is a combination of actions that must be taken before any lasting peace can be felt. Justice and closure must be achieved!
As a last resort, to move from feeling better to finally feeling at peace, I made the decision to tell my story and let everyone know that I am working on recovering from sexual abuse. I am trying to move from victim to survivor.